A rocky start

Three down, twenty-two to go. After thinking about it for awhile it occurred to me that if the doctor is having to spend all this time mulling over whether I should have 25 or 30 treatments, then I only need 25. Radiation is scary. I think it is scarier even than chemo. The whole idea of it is that it works slow and you don't feel a thing... at first. Meanwhile the damage can show up years down the road. It's almost like having another cancer, in that the side affects that scare me might show up at any time in the distant future, and so they loom over me for the long term. Not that I expect to sit and think about that much later on. I expect to move on with life and take the best care of myself that I can. But it's hard not to think about it now, when I have to convince myself to go lay under the big machine every day.

Speaking of scary, have I mentioned lately that these doctors could stand to brush up on their communication skills? At the first radiation treatment, everything was very mysterious and new. The technicians tell you what to do, and where the machine will be, and that they will leave the room. All very straightforward instructions without any explanation of what is really going on. I am laying in the exact position that they want me in and am not wanting to risk moving, so I don't ask questions. I did however, wonder about what seemed like a lot of different angles that the machine was shooting at.

Day 2, I'm trying to figure it out a little more. First shot seems like its going for the collarbone area - check. Second and third are taking shots across the chest from opposite directions - ok. Then they turn off the lights to draw on my chest with a Sharpie, I have no idea why but they said the first time that they would be doing this every day. The lights come back on and it seems like there is a lull in the action, so I ask
"Are we done?"
"Oh no" is the answer, "we still have to add the cone attachment and then do one more".
For some reason, the word "cone" rang alarm bells, I asked what the cone was for? And when she hesitated, probably trying to decide how simplistic the explanation should be, I added
"Is it for the internal mammary nodes?"
"Yes it is"
I about jumped off the table.
"I didn't know we were treating those, we never discussed it, and I DO NOT want that" I exclaimed, becoming rather agitated.
The two technicians exchanged anxious looks.
"Go get the Doctor", one of them said.
As it turned out, Thursday is the day I visit with the Doctor anyway, so I had an appointment right after the treatment. The technician came back and said brightly,
"We'll just stop here for today and you can visit with the Doctor about it."

My visit with the Doctor revealed that he recalled from our visit back in December, that I was very concerned about the internal mammary node, so he decided to go ahead and add it to the treatment plan. We never discussed that area at all in the two visits I had with him after my surgery, which was also after the second PET scan had revealed no sign of trouble in the area and really nothing truly alarming in any of the lymph nodes (at least according to 2 out of 3 interpretations of the test).

The concern that I was having back in December was about the first radiation oncologist I had met with, who insisted that we needed to treat the internal mammary nodes. She also wanted me to go 35 times, and stated "I want to do as much damage as possible and really hit the cancer hard". She scared the hell out of me, which was why I came to second Doctor who was equivocal about the internal mammary node and said he could go either way on it. I told him that was fine by me because I didn't want to mess with it.

For those of you who are wondering why this worries me so much, the internal mammary nodes are underneath the sternum, inside your chest. Since we're talking about my left side, that means right next to my heart. Based on the research that I did, treating these nodes with radiation on the left side increases your risk of heart problems without really affecting your chances with the cancer at all. The doctor tried to ease my fears by stating "We had the field set up so that it was missing the VAST MAJORITY of your heart". I didn't feel comforted, but the main thing is that I caught this early and only had one unwanted treatment. The "cone" is now out of my treatment plan. It didn't do much to help me feel better about the radiation treatments though, and I still find myself having to go over and over the logical reasons why I should go through with it.

On the bright side, Annie and I had some good times chasing woodcock this weekend. Here is a better photo of an adult bird. This is a hen that we found sitting on her nest on Saturday. Then on Sunday we found four separate broods and banded 14 chicks - that's a new record for us for one day! They ranged from being just hours old to 13 days old and starting to fly. It is really surprising to find so many in one day this late in season. Usually by now the chicks are flying all over the place and you are lucky to even catch one. It has been a very odd spring and it seems that nesting has been a lot later than normal. Our good banding days are numbered now, since June is upon us and the weather is supposed to take a turn toward summer soon. I might take tomorrow morning to go again, since the high temperature is only supposed to hit 62. After that its looking like 70's and 80's are on the way, and heat not only takes the fun out of it, it also makes it really hard for the dog to sniff out birds.