Difficult patient

When I was little I noticed a pattern in my life. The things that I worried about and obsessed over never seemed to happen but then I would get blindsided by some totally unanticipated event that would rock my little world. Rather than draw the logical conclusion that worrying obsessively about the future is a waste of time and energy, I drew the logical (?) conclusion that worrying over these things and plotting out the worst case scenarios was the best way to ward off disasters. This trait stayed with me well into my adult life, and served me well is some ways - my bosses always liked my ability to thoroughly plan field trips and the like. But eventually I realized that it is not a great way to live and it really doesn't work all that well when you break it down. Bad things still happen and spending the good times worrying about what might happen is really not a great plan. So I learned how to lighten up and go with the flow more, letting go of my worries.

It is tempting to fall back into those old habits now (but I'm not going to). I was prepared for the worst at the ultrasound yesterday. I was ready to face the tactless radiologist, I was ready for more bad news from the results. I wasn't even anxious going in there, because there was nothing they could tell me that is worse than what I've already been told.

And the visit was just about as pleasant as it could be. The ultrasound technician was a warm, honest, open woman who I liked right away. The radiologist (yet another different one) was the same way. They looked and looked for the spots that the MRI showed and couldn't find anything they would have wanted to biopsy, even if I had been willing to do the biopsy. The down side is (there always seems to be a downside in my stories doesn't there?) that my breasts are incredibly dense, even after two cycles of chemo, which should be putting me into menopause and loosening the tissue up. Finding the spots on me is like looking for snowballs in a blizzard, which was my metaphor, to which the Doctor exclaimed "that's EXACTLY what its like." They said I was a very difficult patient, which I've been kind of waiting to hear from somebody, but I didn't expect that they would mean physically!

At the end of the visit the Doctor took the time to show me the MRI pictures and the PET/CAT scans, which I have been wanting to see. All in all it was a good afternoon that didn't really help me much with the decisions that I have to make about surgery. But I'm going to set those worries aside for today. I feel good, the temperatures are supposed to warm up to a balmy 18, and I'm going to work this morning and ski this afternoon.